Vampire Life Part 5 – Breaking the News After a Successful Turning – The First Kiss!
Vampire Life Part 5 – Breaking the News After a Successful Turning – The First Kiss!
By Larry Schliessmann
You were smooth, worked your target with the skill you acquired by watching your Vampire master, and from your recent failed attempts. Despite those failures, you persisted, and now you have succeeded in Turning the woman of your dreams.
Eternity beckons you like a lover greeting a returning warrior. After this night, you know you will never walk alone again. Sure, you’ve had your vampire master lurking in the background to keep you company, but face it, he was beginning to creep you out. Your vampire master is centuries older than you and you found it difficult to relate. Now all that changes too.
You sit with her head on your lap, watching those once-stunning eyes as the loss of blood drains their color. This doesn’t affect your feelings does it? She is your first successful Turning. Her flesh has already bleached, the elasticity tighter, the fingernails glow like mother of pearl.
Carefully, you raise your wrist to her mouth, watch as she lowers her blunt human-like teeth and feebly nips at your flesh. Warm with her blood pulsing through you, you press your wrist tight against her mouth, and force her jaw shut so it tears into you. The blood you just ingested slides like puree into her mouth.
A single drop is enough to ignite the vampire life force of energy and now your Turnée drinks with enthusiasm until you force her to stop. Don’t let it go too far. This is an excellent time to begin training her on art of pulling away in time.
Now the Turning is complete. Congratulations! You must feel revitalized, rejuvenated, and ready to conquer your world.
But wait; there is one small detail you must tend to first. Not everyone looked forward to becoming a vampire the way you had. Your gift might not seem as appealing to your Turnée.
“What the hell did you do to me?” your Turnée demands to know, red vampire fire glaring her eyes.
“Made you like me,” you reply confidently after swallowing the arousal caused by the sight of her rage.
“You did what? What the hell are you?”
“You knew what I was before we dated.”
“You mean you really are a vampire? That’s stupid. I thought you were joking.”
Oh, darn, now what, huh?
“Look in the mirror behind us.” You turn your head and point boldly.
“Oh my God, I’m not there.” Your Turnée screams, hands gingerly touching the rigid flesh around her mouth and eyes. She jumps you and if she were not mostly drained of blood, the surprise attack might’ve caused you severe problems. No, you cannot have a heart attack. Remember, you’re dead!
Now, you could advise her that God was no longer in the equation, but perhaps it is best to wait a day or two. Too many new concepts at once may be confusing.
You should suggest she get some rest, sleep off the day and you’ll return later. By the time you have, she will be famished and the idea of hunting for survival will outweigh all other concerns.
Wait a minute, there is something you’re not telling me isn’t there. Oh, no, don’t say it dude, don’t tell me that. You did didn’t you. You Turned your mother?!?
What were you thinking? Never, ever, Turn a family member. I do not care how much you miss mom and her home style microwaving, the stocked refrigerator, the slap on the back of the head. Now, you’re going to live forever with mom at your side! What were you thinking?
Okay, let’s review what happened. You found the girl of your dreams and you Turned her. Mom does not fall into that category. Just because you got along before… oh? What? You didn’t and this is revenge? Oh, dude, that is so wrong in so many ways. What kind of revenge is having a raging parent haunting you through eternity?
How can this be fixed?
Next: Dealing with Vampire Hunters. How to use them and how to avoid them.
Dude, you are so disgusting. I am totally creeped out! And wipe the blood off your chin.
Larry Schliessmann http://schliessmann.blogspot.com/
http://www.redroom.com/member/schliessmann
Vampire Life Part 4 – When a New Vampire’s Attempted Turning Takes Out the Turnee
Vampire Life Part 4 – When a New Vampire’s Attempted Turning Takes Out the Turnee
By Larry Schliessmann
Well, wasn’t that one serious night on the town? You dressed to seduce, succeeded grandly, but oops, slightly intoxicated by success you went and forgot to pull out in time to avoid the inevitable. That’s right; the Turnee didn’t make it, dropped at your feet looking very pale and flaccid. There is nothing you can do to rectify the mistake, so you must deal with it.
Of course, you are an apprentice vampire so your initial reaction may be like a Normal’s reaction to blame the victim. It’s not my fault, I didn’t mean for it to go this far. It was an accident. I tried to pull out really, I did.
You may honestly think the fault lies with the Turnee. Perhaps he or she consumed too much alcohol while you partied. Then, after you led him or her to a secluded undisclosed location, got him or her to believe that the big moment had arrived after a serious bout of hot foreplay, wham bam and OMG that feels better than it should have felt. Hmm.
Seriously, you really desired him or her, wanted a successful Turning, but the end result was a disappointment. Well, some things never change, right ladies?
Regardless of who or what you may want to blame, you took more than he, or she had to give. In your old life, you might’ve said you were sorry, or spewed forth a string of vilely vindictive phrases and walked away. However, you’re dead now, and so is the Turnee. Only the Turnee isn’t about to be Turned, stand up, look at you and demand to know why he or she feels so weak and lifeless.
You, the Turner must deal with the consequences, and complete the task long before the sun rises. However, what do you do next?
You could just leave his or her corpse where it dropped, but there is the little problem of the telltale bite marks. Even the dumbest cop walking the planet will question the double incisor holes. In addition, if you applied proper vampire etiquette, they were neatly placed along the base of the carotid artery just above the collarbone preferably on the Turnee’s left side where blood pressure is slightly higher.
You might quickly dig a hole and deposit his or her corpse there, but if you’ve never dug a grave, well, you’ll need several hours without interruption. If you partied until two or three in the morning, you’ll run out of time before the sun fries you.
Calling the vampire that Turned you is an option, but no self-respecting vampire carries a cellphone. If he or she forgot to shut it off and went into his or her recuperative trance for the day, imagine the phone ringing while unsuspecting normals walk nearby, or worse, a hunter bearing unwanted gifts. Normals will search for the phone, certain that even if it wasn’t their own, nobody who called or texted a friend should be ignored. I mean come on, what are you thinking? Might be an important tweet.
If you were advanced, say, after a century of life experience, you might call your vampire in a way that is ancient as time itself. Of course, if you were that old, you would not’ve made all the errors you made that put you in such a precarious position.
Ingenuity must rule the night. You may not have discovered this yet. You are incredibly strong. Especially, immediately after a Taking. Even from an intoxicated Takee. Of course, you may feel a bit wobbly.
My suggestion: lift him or her onto your shoulder and take him or her home if you’re not already there. You won’t need to explain why you’re bringing a friend home. No one will notice the body if you hide it well. He or she is not about to smell, since you’ve drained him or her of fluids. Then, when you wake at midnight, tote the corpse into an area where no one will find him or her, and bury it deep.
I understand we’re in an overcrowded world, and the odds are good someone will discover the corpse eventually, but by then they’ll not get enough forensic evidence to convict someone who is still living.
Perhaps this solution is something of a let down, but the easiest answer is always the best one. In the future, learn to pace yourself. Pull out several times to help maintain control. A Turning should be respectful. It is an honored tradition dating back thousands of years.
Next: Breaking the news after a successful Turning.
Larry Schliessmann
http://schliessmann.blogspot.com/
http://www.redroom.com/member/schliessmann
Vampire Life Part 3 – A New Vampire’s Proper Wardrobe and That All-important First Date
Vampire Life Part 3 – A New Vampire’s Proper Wardrobe and That All-important First Date
By Larry Schliessmann
Several weeks to three months beyond the day of your Turning, life will seem vastly different as will your appearance.
By now, your once supple tanned flesh glows pale under moonlight, may appear slightly translucent and feel like chamois. Not to worry, this is perfectly normal for a new vampire. Consider it the new you, and with time you will learn to appreciate and even value your new look.
In addition, the effect it will have on prey may prove entertaining as you watch their alarm fade into adoration before the Taking. Once you have perfected the art of Mesmerization, their expressions will be full of adulation immediately before they feel a deep sense of love.
Male or female, feel free to dabble in cosmetics, as you did before Turning. However, too much vivid color will look garish, something no self-respecting vampire finds appealing.
As an apprentice vampire, you will discover that normally you will not need a wardrobe different than the one you owned previously. You can put away the sunglasses and of course, you no longer need to worry about sunscreen. As I stated earlier, exposure to direct sunlight means death.
On the occasion that your vampire, or perhaps a guy, or gal vampire you’ve met since Turning suggests a night on the town, and you feel ready to be seen in a crowd of normals, those poor mortal creatures, it will be your moment to shine.
However, what I’m suggesting will require preparation. The only clothes you may own are those you wore when you Turned, unless you were Turned while assuming sex was eminent and you hastily undressed in anticipation. Either way, shopping is the order of the day, er, night.
Be aware that some store lighting may hurt your eyes if you stare directly into it. Otherwise, assuming you’re dressed to begin with, no one will really notice you. So feel free to shop until, well, sunrise, or earlier to be certain you return home safely.
While mixing with mortals you’ll learn despite the occasional odd look tossed in your direction, that they’ll take for granted you are one of them, but since you’re so pale they’ll think you must hate sunlight, or don’t get outside much.
See how clever mortals can be? Wait until you can mesmerize and then you will so understand rubbernecking (sic).
If you and your date are shopping together, and there is safety in numbers, you might ask his or her opinion about what you intend to purchase, or steal if you are broke. You have a problem with that? Come on, you are dead, and besides who is going to stop you? It’s not as if you plan to make a habit of it. Moreover, if you’re worrying about going to hell instead of heaven, you need to lie down and think about your new life.
What you cannot do while shopping is use those lovely full length mirrors you once preened in front of while dressing. Since you are dead, you no longer have a reflection. This can become a nuisance if you have a salesclerk hovering nearby, which is why I suggest you shop with a companion. They can distract, and also let you know how you look, and if the colors go well with your new complexion.
By now, you may have discovered that your hair does not grow longer than it was the minute you Turned. So why bother with haircuts? You might need to get a trim so you fit in with current styles. Remember, you’ll live centuries if you are intelligent and wary of mortals bearing gifts. Styles do have a way of changing with disgusting regularity.
Until now, I discussed dating another vampire. So, let’s make this discussion much more interesting.
You have seen a person you’ve decided you want to Turn just because you can. Yes, it might be just because you can, or any of several other reasons including my favorite hunger. However, why you do anything now is entirely up to you.
Approach him or her as you would have before you Turned, flirt, and be attentive. Guys: don’t act like idiots, women enjoy humor and intelligence, not touchy feely on a first date. Gals: you know already what guys want, um I mean, other than sex. They want you to make them feel more important, needed. Just don’t get too weak-kneed. You’re about to alter the course of their life permanently, or oops possibly end it.
Buy them drinks, dinner, take them to a show, movie, whatever, and at the end of the night, invite them home, of course. I leave the rest up to you. Just remember to use the same technique with him or her as your vampire used when Turning you.
In addition, remember this important adage, you are what you eat. So, if you take him or her to dinner, skip fast food unless you need more fat in your diet. Wine and dine him or her at an expensive restaurant. Trust me; you’ll be happy you did.
Happy dating and good luck with you first Turning!
Next: Proper Vampire etiquette and the all-important, clean-up when a Turning goes too far.
Larry Schliessmann http://schliessmann.blogspot.com/
http://www.redroom.com/member/schliessmann
Newly Minted Vampire? Congratulations! Vampire Life Part 2
By Larry Schliessmann
The joy of your first Taking, and hints for living your new life (sic).
As with anything worth doing in life, the same holds true for those among us who have recently become the walking dead. I regret how dreadful that must sound, but now that you are a newly minted vampire, you must make the effort to truly appreciate and receive the blessings of eternal life–albeit a nighttime existence.
Since you have spent several of your first days or longer in your hideaway, i.e. casket, recuperating from the bloodletting and the Taking-In-Return with your vampire, you may have had time to mull over your new existence. You should not think of this major transition tritely.
Here are important tips for the apprentice vampire.
Men and women penned volumes regarding a vampire’s ability to mesmerize his or her victim. You may have experienced this before your Turning and believed what you felt to be love. It was not, your vampire was hungry. However, now you are a Taker. Nevertheless, mesmerizing a victim is as much about learned technique as it is about innate expertise, so take your time.
Furthermore, who among the living knows how best to pierce the neck with a delicate yet forceful enough bite to draw blood, but not rend the flesh and muscles? Two small neat holes spaced about one and one-half to two inches apart at a slight diagonal along the base of the neck are the mark of a skillful and experienced vampire.
Attention to details is crucially important if your first Taking is to succeed. I cannot stress enough that preparation discipline and patience are equally significant to achieve a positive result.
Remember, should you fail to feed you can go underground where you will learn to absorb nutrients from the soil. There is no telling what might be in the soil. However, it should sustain you for several days if needed, or keep you, well, “vampire alive” until your teacher arrives for your second lesson.
When searching for prey, remember the old saying “the bigger they are the harder they fall.” In your new life, you might just consider it super-sizing, and enjoy the extraordinary feast. If your prey’s volume exceeds what you might absorb during the Taking, consider sharing with your vampire. Families that Take together stay together.
Should you accidentally walk into a patch of sunlight the way you did when you enjoyed the feeling of heat on your body, the pain will be instantaneous and excruciating. The exposed flesh will boil and stink something awful. Should the experience immobilize you with panic and your vampire is not nearby to assist, you will sizzle into an oily puddle of unidentifiable matter and finally flare into grey-white ash. Your vampire will sweep you away and move on. Remember, your vampire is dead too, and he or she is driven only by the need to survive.
Exposure to silver may be more subtle. Say you wore a silver chain at the time of Turning, once completed and you are a true vampire, albeit weak and helpless, the chain will slowly erode into you, and if left unchecked will decapitate you before you might safely remove the silver. Remember, your vampire will be reluctant to handle silver so again it is all about preparation.
A mature vampire never needs rescuing.
The oldest threat on record for a vampire is a wooden stake through the heart. The Staking occurs while a vampire remains unconscious after a night of mischief. Again, preparation is necessary to avoid this tragedy. Always double back, to check the path behind you when you return before dawn, or after a successful hunt. One of the consequences of super-sizing is over satiation and the sluggishness it causes. So always, be certain no one followed you to your windowless basement, cave, or abandoned house.
Finally, there is talk that a crucifix pressed to the forehead will kill a vampire. As with a lea of garlic, this is more rumor than fact. It is best to allow laymen their beliefs, which in the end makes the Taking less troubling. In this case, myth brings them to you, or notifies you where they live. There is nothing quite like the odor of garlic to bring out the best in us all, and turn away those uninvited guests too.
With centuries of time on your hands, now is the perfect occasion to establish new habits that will carry you through forever. Until you feel sure of your abilities to walk among the living after dark only, I suggest you follow the teaching of your vampire. Remember, for you the moon is not a harsh mistress!
Good luck, welcome, and happy living (sic)!
Next: A proper wardrobe and that all-important first date with the guy or gal you plan to Turn just because you can.
Larry Schliessmann
http://schliessmann.blogspot.com/
http://www.redroom.com/member/schliessmann
So, You Fell in Love With a Vampire
So, You Fell in Love With a Vampire
By Larry Schliessmann
So, you fell in love with a vampire. Congratulations! Now, here are a few tips and some advice on how to survive the first intimate encounter.
You might be wondering, “How did I get here?” Truthfully, I’m wondering that too, but put that aside for now and look deeply into the mirror. Not at your eyes, examine your neck along the raised lines on both sides that, if you press your fingers to them, will pulse under the pads of your fingertips.
No pulse? You’re dead so skip the next three paragraphs.
Pulse feels strong? Excellent! It’s time to discuss how to keep it that way. One idea is convincing your vampire lover to not suck on your neck. Alternatively, you might suggest he or she wear tiny silver sleeves over their “canine” teeth. The silver might present a problem, but you cannot be too safe these days.
Another alternative, is wearing some kind of protection. Safe sex is good sex. However, you will need to wear a collar that is bite proof. Check with your veterinarian for something in leather. The styles are varied and attractive. If your vampire is particularly aggressive, a bit long in the tooth, you may want to go with a lightweight chain mail collar.
Silver comes to mind, but your vampire might object, pulling his or her head back and hissing, while glaring in your direction. It is never a good idea to get your vampire too angry, so let’s skip silver and try something in stainless steel. The collar may feel heavy, but it will prove advantageous when the going gets hot and it does make a nice fashion statement if properly polished.
Once you reach the point in the relationship when you are willing to touch your vampire, do not be surprised at the complete lack of activity within his or her torso. Remember your vampire is dead. His or her heart stopped beating a long time ago, and unless you are willing to donate several pints of your own blood, he, or she will not warm up very much to your tender touch. Do not let this distract you from the reason you are embracing your vampire. Love is blind after all.
The next issue we want to discuss is fingernails. Your vampire’s nails will keep growing as will his or her hair. Your vampire’s nails, however, will, under moonlight glow a pale off-white. They will look kind of like sun-bleached bone, opal or an eggshell. Your vampire’s nails will grow quickly too, and on occasion you may find bits and pieces of flesh and blood under them. That is to be expected. Your vampire must kill to continue existing, not to be confused with alive. Unless you did not feel a pulse when we began this conversation, you are alive and if you are extremely careful, you may stay that way for years to come.
Your vampire’s temperature may present you with a problem difficult to overcome. You see, since your vampire is dead, he or she will feel like a corpse. In fact, I have been told that a vampire’s body temperature is very low. This helps them remain stable during the long hours of night when they can spend time outside their hideaway, i.e. coffin. Should you need time to recuperate after a long embrace, do not hesitate to explain to your vampire that the difference in body temperatures requires you to take a breather.
If you are not bothered by your vampire’s frigid touch, you may be dead too, so do not worry about the loss of sensation.
Finally, we come to the most important event in a relationship, consummation. All of us know, or should if we are adults, exactly what I am implying. Therefore, details are not necessary. If you want details, go online and give it a search.
Your vampire’s take on consummation will be vastly different that yours will be. First off, your vampire is dead, so the necessary body parts will not respond as if he or she were alive. Flaccid comes to mind, frigidly flaccid is descriptively better. And of course, since your vampire is dead, there will be no fluids, i.e. lubrication. Be patient and be prepared and I think the first night together will be extremely memorable.
PS: if you have decided that the life of a vampire is the life for you, introduce the idea to your vampire using caution. He or she, depending on the state of their satiation, might become anxious and drain you dry before recalling your request. Your vampire must not suck you dry, but leave enough fluids in your body than when you bite into him or her in return you have the strength for a successful strike.
Next time: Newly minted vampire? The joy of your first kill.
Larry Schliessmann http://www.redroom.com/member/schliessmann
STONERS NOW SCARED OF TWO BONGS FROM CHARLES BAND AND FULL MOON
(Hollywood, CA, June 9, 2009) The world premier of King Bong: Evil Bong 2
took place earlier this year on April 20th at the Ultra Suede Nightclub in West
Hollywood, CA. Along with veteran horror film makers, rising YouTube ceWebrities
The Killer Dolls were introduced to the audience and interviewed guests for one
of their future webisodes. In addition to cast and crew, E! News Now anchor Amy
Paffrath, who plays King Bong character Velicity, was present. Full Moon
Features has announced the official release date for KING BONG: EVIL BONG 2. On
July 7th, 2009 King Bong will be available at all major video retailer outlets
and Blockbuster. Warner Digital will be distributing the film for North America
on Pay Per View, including Comcast and At&t U-Verse. Both King Bong and the
original Evil Bong, featuring Tommy Chong, will be available at fullmoondirect and iTunes.
As promised on the box cover, the film is in
3D… if you’re stoned!
"Anybody who enjoyed the first one – who
enjoyed the humor and the silliness and the stoners who get into their
misadventures – will really love this one." – Charles Band
That's right! Larnell (John Jordan), Luanne (Robin Sydney)
and those crazy dudes from EVIL BONG are back for a bigger hit! Suffering from
bizarre side-effects caused by smoking weed from the Evil Bong, they travel to
South America in search of a cure. Deep in the jungle, they encounter the deadly
KING BONG and are soon locked in a trippy – and hilarious – battle with their
old nemesis Eebee and the dangerously sexy Poontang Tribe! If you enjoyed "Evil
Bong", then you must have been really high! And you'll especially love "King
Bong", loaded with gore, weed, and beautiful women making it the ultimate
stoner-horror comedy!
Watch
the trailer at:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2924568/stoner_horror_comedy_king_bong_e vil_bong_2_tommy_chong/
And hear a message from the Evil Bong herself!
ABOUT CHARLES BAND AND FULL MOON FEATURES
For almost 30 years Full Moon founder and president Charles Band has
produced close to 300 movies. Best known for the PUPPETMASTER series, Full Moon
specializes in horror, sci-fi and fantasy films. The company has been the
launching pad for many famous actors and actresses including Helen Hunt, Demi
Moore, Viggo Mortensen, Jackie Earl Haley, Kelly Preston, Mariska Hargitay, and
Sherilyn Fenn. As a man that understands the importance of catering to fans, in
past years Band has taken the Full Moon experience coast to coast in the highly
successful Full Moon Horror Road Show. In addition to the roadshow ,the company
periodically releases collectibles for their demanding public.
*The Release Date for the King Bong: Evil Bong 2 is July 7, 2009*
Twilight – A Man’s Perspective
By Christopher McCollum
To quote a good friend of mine, ‘Twilight swept through the ranks of my female friends like the bubonic plague.’
I first heard of this series of books two years ago, when my former English professor told me about this teenage vampire book that was sweeping across the country at such a pace, it made Harry Potter look like amateur hour. I found this rather distressing, because at the time… Harry Potter was one of my favorite series of books. However, since that time, the series has concluded, and I have changed my mind.
Back to Twilight. I paid it no heed until just a few months ago, when I finally relented to the pressure from an old girlfriend, and decided to pick it up. I was slightly disturbed by this choice of mine, and went into it very reluctantly. The first thing I noticed… the story is told from the first person point of view, of a teenage girl. This does NOT bode well for my sake of mind, as pretty much the last thing I need is to be put into the head of a high school girl. My keen fashion sense, as well as my affinity for cooking, baking, romance movies, and gardening had already left a huge question mark hanging over my head, in terms of my orientation. It was this juvenile hesitation(not that I actually care about this. I find it all highly amusing when people assume I’m gay) that led to my initial reluctance to pick these books up. However, I finally got into it, and I began to enjoy it. I will digress for a moment though, and address some of the critics of Twilight and Stephanie Meyer.
There seems to be a lot of you out there, and I simply have one thing to say, and this likely encompasses the grand majority of you, including Stephen King and his minions of doom and gloom. Literary snobs, the lot of you. As long as they have their dusty tomes of Don Quixote, Faulkner, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Machiaveli, and whatever else they deem necessary to applaud the genius of, they will cast judgment upon others for not having their level of taste in the field of books. Well, I’ve read my Mark Twain, and I’ve read Dumas, and Faulkner, and Shakespeare, and Hawthorne, and Chaucer, and I’ve even taken a very brief stab at Jane Austen. Some of those classic authors are total garbage, in my opinion. I’m specifically speaking of Faulkner and Hawthorne, who are the writers of such self-aggrandized drivel, it’s like trying to read a medical dictionary when the Sunday Comics would suffice. So I say this: I’ve read the classics, and if that’s what I am supposed to base my library on, I will likely never even bother getting around to filling the shelves.
Reading a book is about two major things: You either do it for enjoyment, or you do it to learn something. When it comes to enjoyment, why does it matter how good the quality of the writer is? I understand and accept that Meyer is not the greatest writer, but honestly… who cares? I know you do, but that doesn’t matter. Tens of millions of people love it, and the only thing you’re doing is ostracizing them. Stephen King just had to go and open his obnoxious New England-accented mouth and rip Meyer. He must be a lunatic. I love his writing, but he is obviously lacking quite a bit in the common sense department. When teenage girls who love teenage vampire stories start growing up, and want a more mature story about monsters… who were they going to turn to? Stephen King would’ve been one of the most likely choices. Nix that, now. Way to dismiss an entire generation of fans from the genre of the supernatural.
But, enough about that. Let’s get into my actual thoughts on the stories.
I found them to be quite enjoyable, particularly Book 1. After I got used to the writing style – and quick side note here… I know these books are geared towards the young adult female audience, but is it really necessary to keep up the mantra of ‘He is like a living version of Adonis, a Greek god with a chest made of polished marble, a beautiful representation of magnificence and sex appeal…’? I had to stop reading that tripe on several occasions just to go look at Playboy and set myself straight. Back to the books now. Book 1 was enjoyable, and I found the characters to be quite entertaining. The story was interesting, and above all, kept me feeling like I was involved in it somehow.
Book 2 started out great, turned into one of the most depressing stories I’ve ever encountered, and then finished a high note. It left me feeling like there would indeed be a happy ending, and that all was right in the world.
Book 3 came around, and it was spectacular in parts, and mind-numbingly frustrating in others. I tore through it in about two days, and shook my fist of fury numerous times.
Shortly after beginning Book 4, it hit me that because Stephanie Meyer is not a great writer, she messed up her timing with her characters. Typically, as long as the characters can keep me interested and sympathetic to their plight, I will keep reading. They did great up until the end of Book 3, when they began faltering at such a level, it would be totally inaccurate of me to say that I still had confidence in them. Then Book 4 came, and in approximately three chapters, made me hate everything about it and refuse to finish the series. Edward is the biggest wuss in the modern literary world, and Bella is a tweaked, self-absorbed twit with mental problems.
I understand why a lot of women love Edward. He’s beautiful, he’s powerful, he doesn’t stand his ground, and he’ll let them get away with anything they want, as long as it’ll make them happy. He’ll sit at home while she’s off at a hepatitis-infused biker bar getting passed around like a beach ball. She comes home with smeared lipstick and tangled hair, and all he’ll do is ask her if anyone hurt her. He is an emasculated wimp of epic proportions. The opposite of a man’s hero, such as Jack McClain, Jack Bauer, James Bond, or Jason Bourne.
Bella went from being a great person to be stuck in the head of, to being an insufferable twit with such a lack of sensibility that I wanted to draw the line FOR Edward since he was obviously too much of a weakling to do it himself.
Don’t even get me started on Jacob Black. He breaks every tenet there is for being an honorable man: He refuses to acknowledge Bella’s request to stop hitting on her, he refuses to acknowledge that he has been beaten, he is overbearing and pressuring to the extreme, and more or less is the exact opposite of Edward. While Edward is a wimp, Jacob is a boorish lout. Why are the two main male characters polarized to such extreme dispositions of awfulness?
All in all, it was a good series of books up until the end of Book 3. I never did finish Book 4, nor do I have any plans to. I know what happens in it, as the grapevine has expressed such information to me, but I have no interest in actually reading it myself. It is the perfect example, to go along with J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter, of the author simply running out of good ideas, and deciding to finally just finish the story off so she can get back to real life.
Again, keep in mind, that I am not refusing to finish it off due to some snobbish reason, it is simply because I hate what the characters turned into. I still think it was a great story, up until I refused to follow the characters any longer.
Goodnight, and good luck. And if you wake up in a dreamworld where you’re in bed with Edward Cullen, slap him in the face and tell him to stop making the rest of the male gender look bad.
Christopher McCollum is an owner and contributor to the materialistic technology and fashion review blog G.DEP. The blog features reviews of anything that strikes the fancy of the authors, which is mostly entertainment, technology, fashion, and general gripes about humanity. http://gaming.deadend-productions.com
SoonerCon, not just for comic books and sci-fi dead beats
One
thing I run into a lot, and not just in Oklahoma, is people who think
conventions are just for comic books nerds and sci-fi freaks. You will see a lot
of that at conventions, it’s true, but by closing your mind to the adventure,
you are missing out on a good time to be had by all.
SoonerCon 2009 has a lot
to offer fans, it doesn’t matter what you are a fan of there will probably be a
fan base for it somewhere at SoonerCon. For our part in SoonerCon we have a
booth in the exhibition hall with Moroch Entertainment. We will be selling a
large variety of goods, including our Faery Tails Hair Extensions, but we will
be giving away so much more. You can expect Word of Mouth to bring:
ANGELS & DEMONS Magnetic Bookmarks
ANGELS & DEMONS Hats
THE TAKING OF
PELHAM 123 Advance Screening Passes
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 Water Bottles
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 T-Shirts
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 Full-Size Posters
YEAR ONE Full-Size Posters
CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS Full-Size
Posters
CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS Scratch-and-Sniff Cards
DISTRICT
9 Full-Size Posters
And you can certainly read more about it in their
blog @ http://wordofmouthokc.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/soonercon/
We also
have posters and swag of our own to give away and stuff from VampireFreaks and
Metropolis Records, plus flyers and swag from local events. You never know what
kind of surprises we will have in store for you.
Friday night at
SoonerCon be sure and visit us for the kinky meet and greet in room 404 from
10pm until 2am where we will be playing kinky whose line is it and subjecting
you to the kinky name game, you‘ll get a new kinky name that you can use for the
whole weekend. We will have the music of Christophe while we get to know
ourselves and each other, so come make some new friends or chill out with some
old friends, all while checking out kinky people being freaky.
Saturday
night in the Chisholm Club from 9pm til 2am will be the SinnerCon Ball.
SinnerCon is an exploration of the naughty bits of SF, an opportunity for
hands-on experience with kinkier lifestyles and lovestyles, and the best damn
Con party around! Held Saturday Night, SinnerCon is an Adults-Only dance, which
gives the grown-ups a place to dance, drink, and play! This year SinnerCon is
sponsored by Darkfaery Subculture Magazine and will feature Tribal Stars
Bellydance, Nicole Moan, Alain Viesca, Dirk Hooper and the Toxic Goddesses,
Actively Hostile, RopeMyster, Brad Foster, Rampage Artists, Bryan Crump body
painting, and OKC Hash House Harriers. Good Lord, why would you want to miss
that?
And if Cosplay or costuming is more your thing, SoonerCon will be
holding the Annual Costume Contest, but this year with a special twist! Rather
than a formal presentation of costumes, the costume contest will be a live
con-hallway contest. Participants will simply need to register their
participation at the convention office (near registration), and then receive
their participant number. SoonerCon attendees, staff, and guests will then make
selections over the course of the weekend. The more you wear your costume, the
more likely you are to win! Participation is free, and winners will be announced
during the SoonerCon closing ceremony on Sunday!
So do come out to the
Biltmore Hotel Oklahoma 401 South Meridian Ave. Oklahoma City, OK 73108
Telephone 405-947-7681 I-40 and Meridian Exit 145 this weekend June 5, 6, and
7th 2009 and swing by our booth. You won’t be disappointed.
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